Cheetara can suck it.*

So last summer I became mildly obsessed with The World Series of Pop Culture on Vh-1. By all accounts, this faux-serious weeklong trivia contest was clearly (CLEARLY) what I should be doing with my life. It was the culmination of all the years I've spent reading schlocky magazines, watching endless amounts of television, retaining useless song lyrics, memorizing dates, all rolled into one. I spent the week glued to my couch, texting my friend Lisa (also a pop culture maven, but with more of an 80s spin to her knowledge) everytime one of these so-called "teams" missed a ridiculously easy answer, like who sang the lyrics, "I dont know but today seems kinda odd/No barking from the dogs, no smog/And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog" -- I mean, cripes, if you don't know that those lyrics are from "It was a Good Day" by Ice Cube, then you probably also have no idea that Ice-T is kicking serious ass on Law and Order: SVU every Wednesday, and therefore you have no biznass partaking in a WORLD SERIES of POP CULTURE.

Anyhow, at the beginning of 2007, Lisa and I, along with our friend Hannah, decided that when the time came around again, we should try out. Or at the very least, enter our names for the ability to try out. Between the three of us, there would be no subject that we didn't know. Rap lyrics? Check. Seinfeld episodes? Check. Duran Duran and Adam Ant? Check. Sitcom families and/or the neighborhoods they live in? Check. Plus we were convinced we would not choke like last year's many contestants when asked, in sudden-death, to come up with answers to such difficult questions like, oh, hey, can you name a TIM BURTON MOVIE?

We came up with a few names for our team:

The Karma Chameleons
West End Girls
The Sloane Petersons (my personal favorite)
Lyrical Gangstas
Heroes on the Halfshell

and so on.

Well, as you must have figured out by now, I am not in this year's WSOPC. We didn't even get a callback or an email back or whatever. I took the online wild card test, and I know I smoked it, so I can only hope that this year's contestants are flippin' pop culture geniuses. If they are not, I may cry. It looks like in the ad some of their team names include Three Men and a Little Lady and Twisted Misters. Whatever. I will be watching from my couch, tallying my scores. The slogan for this year's show is THIS TIME, IT'S WAR. Funny, that's exactly how I feel.

* Yes, I know Cheetara did not win last year. El Chupacabra won, but I was watching reruns this week and Cheetara was on and I got so worked up listening to their screeching that even though I knew those harpies did not win, I had to change the channel.

I wish this was an unusual conversation.

Janice sends me an IM and a link. "Tell me your initial reaction to this picture," she says.

So I say, "Um, someone gave the cat a pooper. It didn't always have one, but someone thought it would be funny to give this cat a pooper. That is my first reaction."

She says, "Yeah, it's part of the sign. It is seriously the grossest thing i've ever seen in my whole life."

Me: "Are you SURE it's part of the sign? Like did you touch it???"

Janice: "It's like 15 feet off the ground. The store has been there for a long time, and i don't think i ever really paid attention to the sign, until a few months ago when i was up there and i pretty much started gagging on the street when i realized it's a CAT'S ASSHOLE."

Me: (thinking, "duh") "I think that's because the pooper is new."

This is where things get a bit heated.

Janice: "No the pooper isn't new. The pooper is part of the sign. It always has been. I just never gave it much thought until one day. And regardless if it's with or without pooper it's a CAT'S ASS."

Me: "We will have to agree to disagree on this one because that pooper looks beyond fake to me. It's all smudgy."

A few moments pass.

Me: "http://www.catwear.com/ -- There is no pooper here."

Janice: "Bahahah you are right! Bahhaahah. I still think the cat's ass is NASTY!!! They were asking for it!!"

Me: "I would have believed you if the pooper wasnt so smudgy."

Janice: "'We're right on Fore Street in Portland. Just look for the cat's asshole!'"

Mind reader.

So my bff Janice and I have this game we play with each other, where out of nowhere we will randomly text each other and ask, "Can you guess what my new favorite song is?" It usually means that our new "favorite" song is a) ridiculous and b) cheesy and c) has some kind of funny lyrics, but God knows that there are enough ridiculous and cheesy songs with bad lyrics out there, so we like to try to guess as best we can.

I am mad good at this.

The first time, I think it was pretty much a fluke. I had been spending more time than I care to admit listening to Jamn 94.5 last winter, and I found myself particularly taken by a song whose title I couldn't even spell. Janice caught me on IM one morning and said, "Hey, there's this song..." and before I could even let her continue to type, I messaged her back, "Is it called Fresh Asimizzz?" And shit, it was. She could hardly believe it! I said we had a Vulcan mind meld of some kind and left it at that.

But then! Then! I get a text message a few months ago from her, saying, "Hey guess what my new favorite song is!" and so, without even thinking, I texted back, "I'm hot cause I'm fly, you ain't cause you not." Janice texted back, "Yes on the 1st try!!" We decided we had to keep this streak alive.

We did okay on her next few favorites (including "Go Getta" by Young Jeezy and "Glamorous," because if Fergie isn't the queen of cheesy-lyric pop music, then who is?). Unfortunately for Janice, I've been listening to a lot of sports talk radio lately, and so I am grossly behind on what faux-rap Jamn 94.5 has in store for the summer, and I missed her latest favorite "Throw Some D's" which is, according to Janice, "about putting large rims on a Cadillac?" Yeah, not sure.

Anyhow, I'll see if I can guess your favorite song, kind of like Carnac the Magnificent from the Johnny Carson show, but now with songs about lip gloss that be poppin' and 30 inch rims on impalas.

Also,

where have I been for like 3 years, because I have totally missed So You Think You Can Dance.

I think I thought this was like a poor-man's American Idol, but after AI's completely lackluster 6th season (I mean, please, it just took me about 20 seconds to remember who the heck even won! Ugh, that phony Jordin!), I have become totally electrified by the dancing hotties on this summer reality show. I don't care if half the guys are gay or if the girls have to resort to strip-club kind of dances to stay on the show (although Jessie the panty-dancer did go home this week, despite Lauren dancing to, horror of horrors, POPOZAO, by the esteemed Kevin Federline. I kid you not, I just about fell off the couch that someone would actually SELECT a SONG by KEVIN FEDERLINE to DANCE FOR HER LIFE, and then, NOT GET BOOTED OFF! Sorry, I digress.), or if the judges talk out of both sides of their mouths, keeping "creative" over "talented," or if Mary Murphy screams incoherently about hot tamales every 13 minutes. I am smitten!!!

Here is who I like, "I" being someone who has zero dance skills whatsoever short of pumping my arms wildly and singing along to the song that I am dancing to:

Sara. Maybe I just think white girls who dance hip-hop have, like, my secret dream job. Or maybe I think she is genuine. I am sad that her partner Jesus went home last week, but I am glad because she gets to dance with ....

Pasha. Oh dear Lord. I have a grown-up crush. I like when he wears those black dance pants. And dances in them.

That leaves Dom and Sabra! I love them! Go Dom and Sabra! Oh Dom, you look so tough and mean and hardcore, when in fact, you are willing to shave your toes for the good of the dance. And Sabra, if only I could have taken up dance at 17 and become wildly good at it! You are my hero!

Heck, let's throw a picture of Kameron-with-a-K up here for good measure:

Does he kind of look like Johnny Knoxville, or Josh Duhamel, or like a combo of both? Or is it someone else completely? Either way, mmmmm.

Next I'll discuss Wade Robeson. Is it true that Britney cheated on JT with WADE? If so, despite my love for JT, I can understand why she would do that!

Commercials make me laugh.


ok, is it only me and chris, but is that commercial for comcast digital voice where the guy says, "sorry roger, you tiger now!" the funniest shit ever?

we say "sorry roger, you tiger now!" in response to just about anything.

we also like the commercial for "just for men" or some other weird beard coloring cream with the old-timey up baseball guys that say, "here goes mr. greybeard approaching miss hottie....ohhh, REJECTED!" hahahaha, we watch way too much tv.

oh hai, here's the tiger one, in case you missed it --http://youtube.com/watch?v=fCFoIEvjoaU