Oh hai

Sorry, folks! I got a new, bigger penis, like, six weeks ago and I just lost track of time what with all the fun I was having. My bad!

No, for realsies, I don't really know what I've been up to since November 8 but I will try my best to recap, complete with visual evidence, lolcat style.

We attended a wedding on November 10 - our friends Beth and Tom were wedded in holy matrimony. It was a really lovely night wedding, and we realized it was the first night wedding we'd ever attended (that is, the ceremony itself was at 6:30 p.m.) Their reception was at the Hawthorne Hotel in Salem, and that was our second choice for our wedding, so it was a lot of fun to finally attend a wedding there. Making the night extra better was that there was this pumpkin there called Flat Jack. He was basically a huge, flat pumpkin that weighed like 1100 pounds. My pumpkin, let me show you him: Also you may notice that my hair is also flat (no boob jokes, please). And darker brown. I colored my hair that same day and I am in the love with it. I also have had it straightened twice since then - for the wedding and my ten year reunion (which I will blog about shortly).

Hub and I took the week preceding Thanksgiving off. We attended a housewarming party for my friend Gerrilyn, and also went to see Bruce Springsteen at the Gahden with my dad and our friend Danny. It. Was. Awesome. I have seen Bruce only four times now, and I am never disappointed. I wish I had photos of that, but sadly no. Too dark. And too much rocking out!

The night before Thanksgiving we headed north to New Hampshire for a pre-reunion-reunion with all of my friends from high school. Our friend Carrie, who moved to Washington state last year, was home again, so we all gathered in one spot to make fun of people we haven't seen in a long time and dance in the kitchen to Bel Biv Devoe songs. That's what everyone does the night before Thanksgiving, yes? (Blogger note: I had pictures from this evening. Many funny ones. I cannot find them. It's kind of making my head hurt. So I will try to re-find them at some point.)

Thanksgiving was lovely. We ate.

On the Saturday after Thanksgiving, Hub and I both attended our 10 year high school reunions. Mine was at the high-class establishment The Rack (edit: It was Felt. Not the Rack. The Rack doesn't even exist anymore. Shows you how good of a time I had!), while C's was at Lucky's, the bar with no sign outside, so that people who are coming for a reunion spend 10 minutes walking up and down the street trying to find it. All in all, we had a good time.

Since Thanksgiving break, we have spent most of our time at home with Freddie Freddie Dingleberry and our house. Everything is coming along nicely. I especially love our Christmas tree and had a good time decorating it. So did Freddie:

Freddie hasn't really bothered with the tree, thankfully. The house is still undergoing a Christmas transformation, which will hopefully be complete by December 24, considering we are having 14 people at our house on Christmas day, Lord help me. But the tree looks damn good.

Oh yeah, it totally snowed like 10 inches in three minutes yesterday, which made my 1 hour and ten minute commute 2 hour and twenty minute commute. The snow is pretty, I guess, until it all turns to icy shit. I took Freddie out for a walk today.

It's going to be a long winter for Freddie.

I promise to be a better blogger going forward. Maybe I will make it my new year's resolution.

In the meantime:

Apparently I need a bigger penis.

I have received an onslaught of penis spam lately. Here's just a sampling of the subject lines:

• May I ask why you are so unhappy with your dick?
• Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading?
• Prepare your love wand for the next battle!!

And the worst of all time,

• Have you ever felt the kiss of a womb? With longer penis you will!

Freddie the Melancholy Moose.



I'm not a fan of Halloween, neither is Chris, and apparently neither is Freddie.
Maybe if he had a costume that fit he would have liked it a bit more, but until then, not so much.

Wolling Wally.

More pics to come tonight (from my camera, of actual players, not me). The parade was a lot of fun. I didn't cry like in 2004, but it was still pretty cool. Looking forward to a Pats parade in early '08! I didn't see any of the "Jumbletrons" that Mayor Menino spoke of, but I did get a great view of "Dropkick Murphy" and his band. That Mayor Menino. Boy is he a hoot

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"



First we went to Game 6 of the ALCS. It was a much better experience than our trip to Game 2. Then we went to Game 1 of the WS. Fantastic game there. Beckett, as usual, lights out. At those two games, as well as at Game 7, and at WS Games 2, 3, and 4, I texted with my friend who works for the Sox and my friend who lives, breathes, and sleeps the Sox. A selection:



Regarding Game 6:

• "Redemption is spelled J.D.!!!!!!!!"
• "Wow just fucking wow."
• "This is insanity. Jd Drew!??!"
• "I said please be a hero jd drew....and he was!"
• "Vaya con dios fausto. Ta-ta."
• "Don't forget to pronounce it correctly!"
• "Ju-li-OOOHH!!!!!!!!!!"
• "YAH BITCHES"
• "Pound em into the ground! No mercy!"
• "Awesome game. Drew, lugo, gagne. Was like the twilight zone."

Regarding Game 1:

• "They are playing blame it on the rain bc colorado is sucking. Hahahaha!"
• "Another schmucking!"
• "This is pretty ugly."

A Boston College interlude:

• "Did Matt Ryan just boot?"

Regarding utility players:

• "I kind of have a crush on royce clayton."

Regarding singers:

• About Lonestar: "Could these guys be any fuglier?"
  "I don't think so...someone should have told fox ahead of time...could have backed those cameras up a little..."
• "Who dis singing?"
• "Boyz ii men!"
• "They be short one!"
• "Holla t yearwood in the hizzy!"

Regarding Manny:

• "Why did they have to compare Manny to a venemous snake?"
• "love manny's hat. But enough talking abt it. Cripes!"
• "Seriously. Lay off the manny. love that man."

Regarding Fox:

• "Fox iz gay."
• "I will be glad when mccarver retires!"

Regarding Jacoby Ellsbury:

• "Yay free tacos!"
• "I love tacoby bellsbury."

Regarding chants:

• "I hate this chant."
• "The go rockies chant is useless obvi."
• "We are chanting other things as you can imagine."
• "Whats the gay tulowitz chant? We can't understand it on tv!"
• "Hate. The. Tulo. Chant."

Regarding Denver:

• "I have a natural high from the thin air."
• "ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIIIIIGGHH. HOLLA!"
• "Mile high city what what!"

Regarding Lugo:

• "THATS MY BOY LUGO!"
• "LUGO ON FIYAH!"
• "He looks like a chi wa wa (no clue how to spell it)"

Regarding the end of Game 4:

• "Um. did I just see e. gag warming up?"
• "It would be an interesting move. and by that I mean a SHITTY move!!!!!!!"
• "We just sang sweet caroline."
• "We just played ojajimas theme song! oki doki!"
• "Fuuuuudddge."
• "Crying"
• "Shitting"
• "why god-ing"
• "wah wah ing"
• "fretting. hating."
• "Oh im gonna cry"
• "oh lord in heaven pls help us."
• "No bench left if this goes to extra innings. You cocky bastard francona!"
• "Let em whip those towels. We're just making for a more exciting World Series win..."
• "We are going to fucking win because I'm wearing a Papelbon shirt."
• "Im trying not to cry. I love paps."
• "Cue inspirational music."
• "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! Eat towels denver!"
• "Fuck yeah I am a 2007 World Series Champion"
• "HOLLA CANT WAIT FOR THE ROLLING RALLY!!!"
• "How fitting that Bruce caps off the night!"

I love the Sox. I love Fenway. Thanks for a great 2007 boys.

That Colorado Rockies Dog.

Here is the story behind the terrier that sits behind home plate!

So good! So good! So...yeah, not so much.

Hub and I went to game 2 of the American League Championship Series last night.

That was our first mistake.

We couldn't attend game 1 due to prior plans, and I got a little nervous about asking for tickets to a game 6 or 7 that may or may not happen, so I said, okay, we will go to game 2.

Game two, lucky for everyone, started at 8:21. I'm not a fan of this late-night-east-coast starting time. Even a normal 3 hour game still gets you out of the park after 11:30. I'm old, we've already established that, and 11:30 is not that bad. Oh 11:30, how we longed for you as the game crept into the next day like a blind, drunk tortoise. Hub and I have already attended the second longest (5 hours and 49 minutes long) playoff game in the history of the world, Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS. So while that game was certainly the best and most amazing game I'll ever attend, I didn't feel like a repeat performance against the Cleveland Indians last night.

I learned a few things about myself during the game. One is that I've become a complete and total snob about my seats and my seatmates. I'm not looking to make friends at a game. I'm not a chatter and chances are I don't even want to make eye contact with you. I'm pretty much a misanthrope, as we've determined many times here on this blog. But I also have zero interest in sitting next to the only 4 Cleveland Indians fans in the entire stadium. I'd rather sit next to 4 guys from the Bronx, because at least you understand why they cheer for the Yankees. But Cleveland fans? Really? They exist? And are obnoxious? Over what? They were so annoying that I had to seriously refrain from punching one of the girls in the box when she didn't understand what the count lights were on the Green Monster.

(You should have to pass an exam to be able to go to a postseason game in Boston. I'm sorry. I'm a snob. Please know who your team is fielding, what an umpire's job is, and not be a 18 year old drunk slut. There were so many of those at the game! How did they even get tickets? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to that question.)

I've had the extreme good fortune to have spent my last 6 or 7 games sitting in pretty awesome seats. So it kind of sucked to be jammed in with Cleveland fans who expected me to read their minds every time they wanted to get up and get a beverage (it's called saying, "Excuse me, I'd like to get by now," and even if you are a douche from Cleveland, chances are you've seen Wayne's World and can credit Garth for teaching you some manners). Thankfully they didn't spill their beer on my new coat. And that I had fried dough, which made everything all better (except for the appearance of Eric Gagne, which I will get to).

The two most obnoxious things this one red-headed ring-leader-bastard-of-a-Cleveland-fan did were:

-- Get visibly and then out-loud annoyed when the crowd (of Red Sox fans) didn't pronounce Fausto correctly in their jeering chant: "Fauuuusstoooooo....Faaaauuuussstoooooo." Apparently this dipstick didn't get the memo: we don't give a shiiiiiittt how he pronounces his name. We aren't at "The Jake." Also you have someone named Asdrubal (is that Astro Ball? Or Ass Dribble? Or Az Droobal?) on your team, whose name was pronounced 11 different ways by the members of your party alone. So, please.

-- Make fun of Red Sox fans. Our seats were behind home plate, under the net, but every once in a while balls would get in and fall in our vicinity (Lord knows there were enough foul balls last night), and people would oohh and ahhh and clap when someone would catch a ball. It's kind of ridiculous, yes, but you are at a baseball game and this shit happens at a baseball game. He made derisive comments every time, like, "Oh that was a HARD one to catch. It just fell from the net." And did the slow clap. The slow clap. I guess at "The Jake" the fans don't blink an eye when a fan catches a foul ball. They must be too classy for that. Because obviously people from Cleveland are known for reeking of class right? It is class they reek of, yes?

Oh, and a note to my fellow Red Sox fans, you pansy-asses. When Trot Nixon comes up in the bottom of the 10th for his first at-bat of the game, with men on base and the game pretty much on the line, don't cheer for him as though he still plays for us. Good gracious, this isn't Ray Borque hoisting his Stanley Cup trophy at Government Center. This is a player on the other team with a very good shot of hitting a single straight up the middle, scoring a run or two. Hey! And then he does just that! And then you all boo him when he goes back to the dugout! Way to go! Get over this sentimental bullshit! I like Trot just as much as the next Red Sox fan, but I really would have loved to have seen him whiff last night, not crank one up the middle.

And now, speaking of whiffing, let's speak of Eric Gagne now and then never speak of him again. When Jonathan Papelbon comes into the game to the tune of "Wild Thing," Fenway part pretty much nearly catches on fire. The guy is electric, clutch, and borderline crazy (edit: As my friend Tyler pointed out, "He's not borderline crazy. He IS crazy."). When Eric Gagne comes in, as I witnessed last night, it's like someone just did a big, loud fart, and everyone gets silent and kind of disgusted. I don't remember if he comes out of the bullpen to a song, but probably not, because to the best of my knowledge no one has recorded a song called, "I Suck Real Hard (And Waste Both the Team's Money and a Spot on the Roster"). I realize completely that Lopez and Lester had a hand in this, but Gagne was responsible for the momentum shift, and that was palpable in the ballpark.

This post makes it seem like I didn't have a good time last night, but I totally did because 1) we saw some great home runs (Yay for MVP Mike Lowell and Manny), 2) there was an excellent 12 year old boy in front of us who was so into the game, he never even got up to go to the bathroom or get a Coke or anything in all 5+ hours, and he started a few claps and chants himself, and 3) I had fried dough. Also, someone heckled the Cleveland fans by yelling, "Sit down, Drew Carey, before I dump my beer on you." Best.

Yes, we stayed until way after 1 a.m. and got home after 2 a.m. and they lost, but oh well. It's only a game!

I will leave you with this joke I got from one of my illustrators. He lives in Cincinnati and I emailed him asking if Ohio, in general, will root for the Indians. He replied, and I quote:

"There is an old joke here in Cincy....Why doesn't Cincinnati fall into the Ohio River? Because Cleveland sucks! We really don't like anything Cleveland here.... so go right ahead and beat 'em!"

On to "The Jake," boys!

(And Go Pats!)

Numbers.

A numerical explanation of where I've been for the past 17 days.

3 - the number of photography classes I have taken so far at Ritz Camera in Boston

2 - the number of these classes that were completely pointless ("How to take your camera out of the box," "how to press the button," "how to look through the viewfinder please save me sweet Jesus.")

3 - the number of doctor's appointments I have had

90 - the number of dollars I have paid in copayments for said doctor's appointments

5 - the number of times I have taken the commuter rail again

5 - the number of times my commute has been awesome

273 - the number of books I have on my goodreads.com profile

2 - the number of books I have read in the past 17 days (Laika and Special Topics in Calamity Physics)

8 - the number of baseball games I have watched on hi-def TBS (3 Red Sox, 2 Colorado, and 3 Yankees)

2 - the number of times I have wondered aloud just who the man with the dog on his lap in the front row of the Colorado Rockies stadium is. I still have no answer for this. I will find out during the NLDS, I assure you.

1 - the number of first round Red Sox playoff games I passed up 2 tickets to. It was only a gem thrown by Josh Beckett. No big deal. I have no regrets.

4 - the number of people it takes to hang a 46" television on the wall. 2 men to hold it up, 1 lady to screw the wires in, and 1 more lady to fret in the corner that the television is going to end up on the ground.

3 - the number of dishes I baked this weekend: apple crisp (ridiculously good), chocolate pudding cake (I effed up the eggs, not so good), and peanut butter brownies (from a box, all jazzed up).

1 - the number of pasta dishes I cooked that just about blew me away because they were so good and I couldn't believe I made it myself. Sans artichokes, natch.

6 - number of people (in total) that went to see the ridiculously awesome So You Think You Can Dance live show in Manch-Vegas, New Hampshire

Unknown - the number of times I squealed like a teenager for Pasha! And his pants!

12 - the hour of the night at which we arrived home from said Manch-Vegas, on a work night no less. I am an old fogie.

2 - the number of movies starring Seth Rogen I saw - Knocked Up and Superbad

1 - the number of movies starring Seth Rogen that didn't suck (Knocked Up is so overrated. Like, not that funny. Nor that shocking. Stoners are still considered funny? Is this the late 90s? Vaginas are funny? Shrewish older sisters and pussy-whipped dudes are funny? Sorry, my mistake.)

1 - the number of Seth Rogen skits that were funny on Saturday Night Live this past weekend (the Muppet one, wish I had a link!)

2 - the number of evenings (counting this one) that I have free in the next 10 days...

1 - the number of second round Red Sox playoff games I didn't pass up tickets to (game 2 this Saturday night) -- I hope to have pictures for you all!

Also

Don't think I didn't have this thought in the car this morning, listening to Billy's entertainment report on Kiss 108, before Miley Cyrus's pregnancy rumor was debunked:

"So THAT'S why she had such a nice rack at the Teen Choice Awards a couple weeks ago!"

Yes, I'm going to hell.

Where I be?

I wish I could say that I've been doing all sorts of exciting things for the past 11 days since I last posted, but that just isn't the case. BO - RING, that's my life! Boring, but content overall. No complaints, really!

I think the most exciting thing is that last week I took the commuter rail! Three times! OMFG it was so awesome! I didn't think I would love it so much, but I did. My friend Scott helped me find the right place to stand to be near a door, how far down I should sit when I get on the train, and told me that if possible I should always try for a double seat and not a triple. I appreciate this advice immensely as I kind of have anxiety about new things. But the three rides, to and fro, went so smoothly last week with the exception of Friday. We attempted to take the green line to North Station but after waiting in the sweltering pits of Arlington station we decided to walk (something that Scott does on a regular basis, in sensible man shoes). I however did not have sensible man or lady shoes on and so literally had BLEEDING FEET by the time I got to North Station. But even bleeding feet couldn't stop me from loving the commuter rail. Come November I will take it on a regular basis. Until then I'll intersperse it with regular rides on the orange line. So yay, the commute has taken a turn for the better.


What else...Freddie is still all sorts of awesome. And our new television is now ushering in the fall season in grand fashion. We are currently watching Shark as I type, and just watched Dancing with the Stars. I am all about Floyd Mayweather or whatever his name his. Goodness me, he is a handsome fellow.

Oh also in the past 11 days, the hub and I celebrated one year of holy matrimony. GO US! We went to dinner at the same place we had our rehersal dinner, and then we came home, got in our pajamas, and tried to eat our cake top, which was marble cake and which I was very excited about, so much so that we drove straight past the Dairy Queen and went straight home. Honestly, it grossed me out big time. The frosting, gah, just not my thing one year later. However, Chris ate a slice. Witness:






Also, we could use some curtains in our kitchen. Thanks for noticing! Curtains in the kitchen fall in at about 438098432 on our list of 9394049349 things to do in our lovely home. BUT, we did go to Jordan's Furniture yesterday and purchase a brand new living room set. Huzzah! It's a sectional! It's got a corner piece! In which I will certainly fall asleep every night! It's chocolate brown! I can't wait until it gets here in 6-9 weeks! Jordan's Furniture is seriously one of my Favorite Places on Earth. And I've never been to Disney World but I think it must rival it in many ways. Like, music, happiness, candy, all that shit, it's there at Jordan's. Trapeze artists, what more do you want? And furniture! I like to sometimes just go there and walk around. I know, I'm an odd duck.

Here, peep Freddie's paws sleeping on his soon-to-be-no-longer-in-our-living-room chair:

Famous dudes I am embarassed to say I have a crush on, #3

I imagine I am not the only person out there to have a crush on this person so I'll just come right and say, I have a crush on Jeff Corwin.

Perhaps I am most embarassed because I actually did in fact once say (to other real live people), "I'd like to have a Jeff Corwin experience," and then felt kind of icky afterwards because, well, he's sort of a geek! But he is also a local boy done good and, heck, he likes animals a whole lot and so do I.

He's just a little over the top and puts animals on his body a little too much, for me, and yet I can't help but read any article I can find about him, or watch his endless snake wrangling on the tee-vee.

Here are some pics. You be the judge. Embarassing or no?

People who annoy me, vol. 2

Seriously, I have just about had it up to the proverbial "here" with commuting. I hate driving, I hate the orange line, I had humankind, and I have had it. I don't know if the commuter rail is going to make a difference in my life, but it will at the very least be a change of scenery.

Here are the two gems I encountered on the subway today. First was the Italian stallion sitting diagonally across from me with his faux-fro and his headphones on, chewing his gum SO LOUDLY AND SMACKILY that I could hear it even while listening to T.I., Nelly, and the Ying Yang Twins (and to avoid becoming a subway asshole myself, I don't turn my music up loud enough so that everyone can hear it. Maybe I should from now on). For real, his gum-chewing was turning my stomach. Does he not realize he sounds like a cow? Or an effing moron? Has no one in his life cared about him enough to tell him that he chews like a person brought up in a cave? And, coming from a non-gum chewer, what kind of person chews gum at 8:15 a.m., if you aren't on an airplane? Did you forget to brush your teeth this morning? Are you doing a walk of shame home?

And then, next to me, plops a delightful woman who apparently did not realize that NEWSPAPERS have FOLDS down the MIDDLE so you can FOLD THEM while you READ THEM and not have to put your FAT STUPID ARM in my face!!! Bitch, do you even SEE how I am holding MY newspaper? I folded it! Holy shit, can you even BELIEVE the concept?!?! I felt like Rain Man this morning, rocking back and forth saying to myself, "Try using the fold...the fold is there for a reason...please fold your newspaper." But instead I had a fat elbow in my face for 25 minutes.

I will be taking the commuter rail starting next week. Updates to come.

I'm too old for this program.

Here are some texts exchanged last night between me and two friends while watching the VMAs:

"Brit sucked! Was she on crack?"
"Did u watch that disaster?"
"I was shocked @ how bad she was. It was like a bad dance recital!"
"Awful. Absolute disaster. She totally sucked it hard core."
"Besides the awful lipsyncing she is way too thick for that outfit!"
"Wow. Just. Wow."
"Why did she dance so slow?"
"She looked like she was on sedatives."
"Definitely some muscle relaxers & something for her nerves."
"And vodka."
"Brit is dunn."

"Ahaha chris just said 'is that ricky martin?' It was robin thicke."
"Common is DELICIOUS."
"Rhianna=gorgeous."
"Who are the black dudes that just sang with fall out boy?"
"No idea but fall out boy is singing with everyone."
"Is that t.i. with jt?"
"Also adam levine looks so gay lately. Is he?"
"Is jamie foxx hammered?"
"I think they are all hammered. Seriously shittanked out of their minds. Justin, Jaime, Diddy, all of them."
"The black dudes with fall out boy were gym class heroes."
"Mjb better save this show."
"Dre is jacked"
"Dre is HUGE"
"Who just sang that before mjb came out?"
"Tommy lee and kid rock really fought?"
"I am so confused. It might be bedtime."

Things that are awesome right now.

My dog is pretty much the cutest dog ever. He now sleeps with us every night, which is totally cool, because that means he sleeps later in the morning and that makes everyone (read: me) so much happier. The other day I took him for a walk down to the school fields and he found a big yellow field hockey ball. He rolled it around with his nose for a while and then picked it up and proceeded to direct me promptly home. He likes to sit on the back of the chair with it, and then drop it onto our hardwood floors (maybe not so awesome). Tuesday morning when Chris left for work Freddie saw him out, and then came running up the stairs and into our bedroom with something yellow in his mouth. Yes, his ball. He loves it.

I don't have any pics of Freddie and his ball, but here are some just because he is redonkulously cute:

HELLO! I AM AWESOME FREDDIE!

COULD I BE ANY CUTER? OR MORE AWESOME?

Also awesome -- just in time for football, baseball playoffs, the return of The Office, My Name is Earl, CSI, Without a Trace, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Law & Order: SVU, Deal or No Deal, Shark and countless other programs, we have purchased a new television. A freakin' big one. One that may prevent us from going on any vacations in the near, or far, future. Or even buying groceries. But it is so awesome that I thought Josh Beckett was in my living room last night. And who needs vacation when we now have the Travel Channel and National Geographic in monstrous high-def? I only wish I could have had this television in the previous few weeks to watch Pasha and his dance pants, but a girl can't have it all, I guess. That being said, in less than one month I will be seeing Pasha and his dance pants in REAL LIFE.

Something else that is awesome is that I am currently, at this very moment, roasting a chicken covered in butter and salt and pepper and lemon. I also just made mashed potatoes, and then I promptly licked the beater and spoon as though it was chocolate frosting. Truth be told, I think I enjoyed homemade mashed potatoes more than chocolate frosting! I am back in cooking mode. It's like as soon as September first rolls around, I just start wanting to cook and bake more. I made sorta-apple cupcakes over the weekend, and stuffed shells, and now the chicken and mashed potatoes, and I am making a Milky Way cake for a get-together on Friday night. YES. A cake! Made! Of! Milky! Ways! I will post pictures, no worries.

Lastly, awesome: McNuggets McNuggets WHAT!

People who annoy me, vol. 1

I'm feeling a bit vitriolic today -- riding the Orange line tends to do that to a person -- and so I feel like sharing a few thoughts about the people who annoy me.

• People who get on a semi-crowded train and stand in front of an empty seat. Um, no. You either SIT in the empty seat or you stand somewhere else. Don't make someone who wants that seat have to ask YOU to move. You suck as a human being and as a commuter.
  
• Ladies who do their makeup on a crowded train. Please, just, please. Get up 10 minutes earlier. You aren't doing that great of a job on your makeup anyway, so it's not like you need an hour in the bathroom. I hope you know that I secretly pray for the train to come to a sudden stop and that mascara wand gets lodged in your cornea.
  
• People who thank the person in front of them who held the door for them, but then not hold the door for the person behind them. When I said "thank you," person who annoys me, I was being sarcastic. Learn common courtesy, or please feel free to walk in front of a bus.
  
• Girls who wear black tights in August. It is August. You are not in Los Angeles and your last name is not "Richie" or "Hilton." So take your Coke-bottle glasses and your knit baby doll dress and your BLACK TIGHTS and please go away from me. You look ridiculous. And like you might smell a little.
  
• People who press the elevator light when it is already lit up. Oh, I guess my skinny fingers are too weak to press it the proper way, you prick. And now that you have pressed it, I guses you magically summoned the elevator to arrive. I hope next time you do that, you get stuck in it. With a large person with body odor.
  
• Speaking of large people, just because you are fat and I am skinny doesn't mean you get half of my seat on the train. Please don't seek me out and try to read the newspaper next to me. Try standing! You might burn some calories that way!
  

That concludes my spewing for the morning. I really need to start taking the Commuter Rail.

Allll byyyy myyysellllfffff

So with hub on the left coast this week, I have been left to my own devices.
Which means I have done the following things since he has been gone:

• Watched some of an episode of Mama's Family. Then I changed the channel before Vicki Lawrence made me homicidal.
• Rewatched, for, possibly, the sixth or seventh time, all of Pasha's routines on my DVR'd SYTYCD finale.
• Watched Access Hollywood to find out all about Owen Wilson's suicide attempt.
• Watched the Teen Choice Awards and got depressed that Miley Cyrus has bigger, nicer boobs than I do.
• Watched the Miss Teen South Carolina video, oh, I don't know, like 99,334,809 times, and have not felt bad for her even once yet.
• Watched QVC.
• Purchased something from QVC as a result of watching QVC.
• (It wasn't that bad, it was Smashbox makeup!)
• (It was Today's Special Value!)
• Let the dog sleep in our bed.
• For a few hours.
• And then the whole night.

The planche, the planche!

So last night was, sadly, the final episode of So You Think You Can Dance, season three. I have to tell you that this might be my new favorite reality competition, and as a die-hard Idol fan that is not easy to admit. SYTYCD gives me the warm fuzzies, a feeling that Idol has not been able to give me since the days of George Huff. I thought a lot about this last night. I don't feel bad changing my allegiency to another Nigel Lythgoe production. Idol really has some problems to fix.

So Cat Deeley has a beautiful face, a crazy-catchy accent, and then wears heinous clothing. But she is eminently more likeable than Ryan Seacrest, and nowhere near as snarky. The hug she gave Sabra at the end was emotional and real, and even if she was wearing an ostrich-slash-grocery bag last night, she was super-cute overall.

Sara was totally robbed. Besides Neil, a final four dancer, Sara was in three of the season's favorite dances: the disco one with Neil, West Coast Swing with Pasha, and a Wade routine with Jesus. I said over a month ago that Sara was my favorite. I hope that last night was validation to her and her fans that she is an incredibly versatile dancer! I wish her well. It was so much fun to see her dance and dance and dance AGAIN last night.

Neil, too, really shined last night. Doing the "table dance" with Sabra (and omg that planche, I can't even stand it!) and the disco with Sara, his charisma was off the charts. I really changed my mind on that guy.

Unlike on American Idol's season finale, SYTYCD brought back people with TALENT from the audition rounds, and lo and behold, didn't make fun of them! Idol brings back Special Olympics contestants and puts them on display for 60 million people to laugh at while flashing giant pictures of marsupials on the stage. SYTYCD brings back an exceptionally talented clogger and pop-and-locker and gives them each their own 15 minutes of real fame. Idol went too far this year, I think, bringing back the Big Bird Lady, the Bush Baby and his fat friend, making them wear the same Harry high-pants outfits they wore during audtions where they were laughed at. I'm not saying the judges on SYTYCD don't laugh at people (Derek "Turbulance! Land the Plane!" anyone? Or Sexx?) but they don't use their show or their finale to humiliate people.

On AI, it is a well-known and much-mocked fact that Paula and Randy generally say nothing as far as critiquing goes (it's either pitchy, not my thing, wonderful, etc.), and Simon just either says he loves you or he hates you in a condescending manner. The judges on SYTYCD actually judge and offer criticism without being rude, talk about technique and moves and offer concrete suggestions on how to become better dancers. With the exception early-on of the love/hate relationship some of the judges had with Cedric (and overall, I think they really liked him and wished him well), I never saw them being unnecessarily mean. On Idol, if an R&B singer sucked during country week, he heard about how much he sucked. On SYTYCD, not every dancer is cut out for every kind of dance. The dancer would be told what worked and what didn't, but never were they not-so-subtly told to pack his or her bags.

My last favorite thing about SYTYCD is the music. The music is all over the place and is fresh, fun, and really good! I love how they tell you the song and the artist on the screen. I've downloaded countless songs from this season, everything from that Fosse/"Amazing Grace" number, to OneRepublic/Timberland's "Apologize" to Citizen Cope's "Let the Drummer Kick." Idol dregs up the Bee Gees. SYTYCD has dancers moving to 50 Cent's latest single and has singers come on the show and actually sing instead of lip sync.

SYTYCD is a much better show than AI, in my humble opinion. It makes me feel GOOD when I watch it. It opens my eyes to the magic and passion and emotion that good dancing showcases. And unlike on AI where the top 24 contains some real duds, the top 20 on SYTYCD was a really impressive group of kids, each likeable and down to earth for the most part.

The one downside last night -- wasn't Ryan Cabrera kind of hot at one point in time? Last night Chris said he looked like Jack White from the White Stripes. I disgreed.

Jack White is WAY hotter.

SYTYC get tix to see SYTYCD?

Well, kind of. I tried to get tickets for a bunch of us to go see the SYTYCD tour when it comes to Boston this September, but seriously could not get a single pair of tickets about 6 minutes after tickets went on sale! What the eff? Dudes, I know Pasha is hot, and Kameron too, and okay, Neil too, but for reals? Sold out?

But that's okay. We are troopers and we are going to Manch-Vegas the following week to see them there, holla!

Here are some thoughts on the final four contestants. And by some thoughts, I mean "my" thoughts.

Neil: I have completely changed my tune on this guy. H-O-T-T. And a pretty good dancer. That plange or whatever the hell it was called last week with Sabra during the jazz routine? I literally Woooeeddd in my living room. I felt like Mary Murphy, and that's just CRAZY!

Sabra: Since everyone I know loves her, how can she lose? However, I'm not getting my hopes up. I think Lacey's fanbase of "Black Parade of Teenagers with Bad Weaves" is too big to be denied. But Sabra to me is the whole package. She does everything so well! And she's cute and modest to boot! And she isn't an ass dancer!

Lacey: This girl should invest in a better weave-maker and stop with the ass dancing. Are you serious, "Oh I think I put my butt near the camera? Oops!" Your ass is everywhere. Except around a pole, where it should be!

Danny: A vacant stare with legs.

Don't forget to watch tonight at 8 on Fox! And vote vote vote!

Can I vote for Wade to come to my house and teach me to dance?

Holiest of matrimonies.

Yesterday we went to one of my best friend's weddings. It was a great time, and they are just so cute together, so it was one of those weddings that seemed quite perfect and lovely in its purpose. One downside: it was 90 degrees in the old (read: not equipped with air conditioners) church, and the ceremony was just about two hours long. Woo boy, was that long! And hot! I thought Chris was going to fall down from the heat in the church and I was going to have to call on the Jeez to resuscitate him, 'cause Lord knows I don't know CPR and probably couldn't even lift him up if he did fall down. But overall it was beautiful and fun -- Chris even had to DANCE in FRONT OF PEOPLE for MONEY! -- and here are some pictures!

Here we are, pre-church.

At the reception.
Janice, holla.

WHS represent.

Go white boy, go white boy, go!

Cheers to the happy, happy couple.

Could it be that OBVIOUS?

So I just watched the videos from my previous post again (again) and, like, duh. Could it be that I just like dudes dressed in suits? That is what both of them are wearing! I was not a Michael Hutchence fan until I saw the video for "New Sensation" a few weeks ago, and I'm like mesmerized by "Simply Irresistible" (how apropos of a title), and now, I realize, they are wearing the same outfit.

What other videos feature dorky guys in suits? Is this why I loved the geek with glasses from Twisted Misters? Do I have some kind of latent attraction to this kind of thing, some kind of repressed memory?

OMG!

Is this why I one day I just randomly fell in love with FDIAETSIHACO #1, Zac Efron????!?!??!

I need to go read a book or something.

Famous dudes I am embarassed to say I have a crush on, #2 (a two-parter, for one reason)

Thanks to the wonders of the television station The Tube, I have found myself taken back in time to an era when videos were super low-budget but slyly sexy. And so this week, I regret to inform all of you that I have a crush on

Michael Hutchence.

And Robert Palmer.

Why am I embarassed, you ask? Well, for starters, they are both sort of dead. That's kind of weird. I don't think I have a crush on any other dead guys, except maybe Abraham Lincoln.

And secondly, Michael Hutchence died in sort of a skeevy way (erotic strangulation!) and was kind of skeevy in general (always looks a little too sweaty). I don't even like long hair. And Robert Palmer, well, he just wasn't really that hot. Maybe in that kind of eighties-goofball kind of way. I'm not sure. He had a lot more hit songs than I remembered, though.

So I don't know what my problem is. But when I see the videos for "New Sensation" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=FmW811ZcVDs) and "Simply Irresistible" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=M3geoXOdnJQ) I can't look away.

Ericalina Simpson
She's a little fatter than I am in real life, but I totally have those pants. I got them at Express in 2003. I still wear them. I'll probably wear them this week.

And so on, and so forth, and a MST3K link --

It has been hotter than Hades here for the past week or so. This is not fun for someone with 1) asthma and 2) a sinus infection. Also it makes Freddie restless at night and then he decides to go to the bathroom in the house. And throw up sometimes. But I still love my Doodle. He is mostly a good boy, like 95% of the time. Today it finally cooled a bit, but then it thundered and rained and now it's like walking through wet cotton. UGH, dee-sgusting.

So I was kind of bummed that on SYTYCD last week the two breakers got eliminated. More Sara than Dom, of course, since he apparently is, like, a major pervert with no concept of personal space! Groping Kat Deeley, making out with Lauren, talking all about Jaymie's body a few weeks ago. Ugh, he was like a boy who had never seen boobies before unleashed at boobie camp or something. I was growing weary of it.

Sara, though, had one bad week, and one REALLY bad outfit (I mean, berets? Really?? Did Salt n Pepa even wear berets?), and then bam, gone. I will miss her. But if I get to go to the show, which I am seriously hoping I get to do, then I will bring some kind of Sara RULES sign to show my love for her. If I had my druthers, Lauren the Tranny Man Face/Misha Chan would go home next, along with Mr. B Natural (aka Neil -- watch this link to see what I am talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8kH4XyWjq4). Then Danny can go (I know, I know, he's got a great core or whatever, but I'm tired of his face being all smug). I'm officially on the Sabra and Pasha train. I wouldn't mind jumpin' on that caboose. Hey now!

Before I go watch something pointless on television, here are some pics of our trip to NJ.

Mike's at that bunny ears are hysterical age.

Cody is like a tiny baby horse dog.

Jack's a pretty handsome fellow himself. We had fun :)

Back! (With HP spoilers? Maybe? Skip bullet #2)

In the past two weeks:

• I saw Twisted Misters win the WSOPC -- Thank God! Next year, it will be me. I promise you that!
• I finished HP7 (it was finished at 12:50 a.m. on Sunday/early Monday -- exactly 48 hours after I purchased it!). And I want in on record that I posted on EW.com right afterwards that Albus Severus Potter = ASP and he is totally in Slytherin House. This is now on Wikipedia and was not on Wikipedia at 12:50 that night. I think I started something.
• I watched Ferris Bueller, Napoleon Dynamite, and a bit of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Bringing my collective total to 89 viewings of these fine, fine films.
• I saw now-former Red Sox pitcher Kason Gabbard pitch a complete game shut out at Fenway. Now he doesn't even play for our team anymore.
• I got a sinus infection and was put on antibiotics. Twice.
• I travelled to New Jersey to visit my family. While there I ate pizza and hot dogs and Carvel Flying Saucers with sprinkles on them. I also went swimming. And fell asleep on a big leather sectional, like, seven times.
• I saw The Simpsons movie. My favorite lines: "Thanks, Boob Lady!" and "I like men now!" Spider Pig was just aight.
• I sang "More Than Words" in Playstation American Idol Karaoke at my aunt and uncle's house. I also scored 30,000 points doing this. Did I mention it was my FIRST TIME playing AI Karaoke? Did I also mention we will be purchasing this for our own in-home use? And by in-home use I mean, I will sit on the couch by myself and sing every song?
• Thanks to the glory of Mike FM, 93.7, I learned about this song and wondered, how have I missed this song for twenty some-odd years? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHoPYLQvnQM
• I took lots of photos -- many of which I will post tonight!

Like old milk....

I fear I may have just become spoiled. I won't say anymore, but do yourselves a favor and avoid ew.com. Le sigh. If I was, in fact, actually spoiled, I suppose it was my own fault that I couldn't resist reading about the Emmy noms on my lunch break. And the Emmy noms blow. No LOST? WTF man? Anyhow, who knows, I'm still in a bit of shock.

Which I guess means I can talk more about tonight's finale of World Series of Pop Culture. Twisted Misters (and apparently I am in the minority in liking them, but I like my nerds with a bit of arrogance, especially nerds who dress like Angus Young) will be up against either Wokka Wokka (love) or Almost Perfect Strangers 2.0 (hate).

Let me break it down for you. I loved APS 2.0 the first night they were on. They cleaned house and pulled some great answers out of thin air. But then, THEN, on their next apperance, one dude totally choked on movie taglines, and then the other dude choked on song lyrics from 2006. And the girl on the team? Her bedroom is made up to look like Andy's from Toy Story. And that makes my stomach all wibbly every time I think about that. So I am not a fan.

Perhaps I am in the wrong here, but I tend to think that if you are, once again, a contestant on the WSOPC, then you can't simply know all of the characters in some random 80s movies, but you also must know lyrics to songs that have been popular in the past, oh I don't know, 12 months. Like "Sexyback." Like "Promiscuous." Like "Ain't no Other Man." The list goes on and on, and the contestants literally stood there giving new meaning to the term "slack-jawed." I hope they get their asses handed to them by the bald guy on Wokka Wokka.

So, I'll be rooting for Twisted Misters tonight, and there are only approximately 32 more hours until I know if what I read was or was not the truth regarding HP7.

As I've learned this week, between furiously text messaging my would-be teammate a gazillion times every time a contestant choked on the WSOPC, to today's ew.com developments, an addiction to pop culture can be very harmful to one's mental health.

Interweb moratorium.

So now that some douchebags have leaked HP7 onto the internets, I'm seriously stopping my surfing/reading for the next 3+ days, and maybe I won't even listen to the radio either or watch ESPN, and only watch WSOPC tonight, because for reals, if I am spoiled, I will kill someone. My friend Liz has an even better take on what she would do (which also involves violence): http://urbanhonking.com/liz

This morning on Matty in the Morning, they were just talking about the fact that the book had been leaked, and I said to Chris, "You better shut that off. SHUT THAT OFF RIGHT NOW! Matty is a misanthrope! He doesn't care if he ruins it for everyone!" I got very nervous.

Unlike a lot of my friends/coworkers in the biz, I am not doing a re-read of 1-6. In fact, I've only ever read each book once (er, maybe I read the first one twice). I have a "thing" where I tend to read the newest book within about a month of its coming out, and I feel completely sated for a few years until the next one comes out. Ms. Rowling does enough recap for me and I can always look online or ask someone if I can't recall a particular character's function, death, parents, or whatnot.

So seriously, I may not be here for a few days. I feel like I can barely watch a Red Sox game on our local station for fear of the RemDawg innocently saying something about Neville Longbottom that he heard from someone who heard from someone else, and then having him laugh-wheeze about it for twenty minutes.

I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it.

Clearly, I'll pretty much be asleep for the next three days.

I knew the K-Fed answer.

And for that, I am ashamed. And impressed at the same time. Lots to say about tonight's WSOPC episode but I need to go to bed.

But first, ponder this, kind readers. St. Louis will be having a special day to celebrate one of its own this fall. Yes, folks, head to St. Louis this September 2nd for Ike Turner Day! Hooray for wife-beating! Hooray for drinking yourself into oblivion! Hooray for being a no-goodnik!

"'Jump.' 'Up'?"

Oh, Westerburg High. We hardly knew ye. Though you were my favorite team, it seems kind of sadly appropriate that your last incorrect answer would be in reference to only my favorite song of all time, House of Pain's "Jump Around." I am secretly disappointed that though you did not know the name of this song, and instead named a Kriss Kross song (though maybe you did not know this either) and/or a Van Halen song, you probably could have named all the members of Anthrax. And also, I am secretly disappointed that you guys lost to a team of not-really-attractive men in blue Sears bathrobes and Umbro shorts. I had lots of faith in you, Westerburg High! Especially you, guy who looked like Michael McKean! Ah well, now I will throw my support behind the geeks of Twisted Misters. Rock on, nerdy kid who knew St. Elmo's Fire! I salute you!

Famous dudes I am embarassed to say I have a crush on, #1

In what I am sure will be a regular series here on lyricalgangsta, I'd like to present the first in a long list of dudes who I am embarassed to say I have a crush on:

Zac Efron.

First of all, what am I, seventeen?
Second of all, dude wears more makeup than I do!
Thirdly, he is in Hairspray. And High School Musical. I really don't like musicals.
Fourth, does this make me kind of a pervert? But I love these pictures of him and Vanessa Hudgens in Hawaii, so young and in the looooove.

http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/2480/normal01282729qs6.jpg
http://media.canada.com/gallery/zacefron/zac2.jpg



PS - I also totally called the dismissal of Shauna and Cedric the other day! Yay no more cankles! And now to get rid of that sprite Neil....

SYTYCPretend you are Chinese?

Sometimes I wonder about things, but was that just me, or was that weird tonight on So You Think You Can Dance? Contestant Lauren is all like, "Sometimes, I pretend I am Chinese when I try out! I even have a fake name, Misha Chan!" Um...really?! Anyhow, I do not like Lauren and/or Gayer-than-Blake Neil, and so I would not vote for them regardless of whether or not Lauren pretends to be Asian.

Best tonight: OMG Sabra and Dom. The hotness!!!! I think those two are totally hitting it off. I could watch them all night. Also good: Pasha, his darker hair, and Sara. Kameron and Lacey, per usual.

Just okay: Anya and Danny. Hok and Jaime. Cedric and Shauna. That should be your bottom three, with Cedric and Shauna going home. I am sorry but I am tired of her cankles and his herky-jerkyness.

Timbaland vs. Timbaland

I like Justin Timberlake, like, a lot. And I like Timbaland. The highlight of my third Justin Timberlake concert was, in fact, when Timbaland showed up. But is it just me, or is Timbo's new song "The Way I Are" exactly the same song, structurally, as "SexyBack"?

The lyrics are below, but I suggest listening to these songs one right after another. They even have the same "yeahs!" in them. It's just weird.

What do you think?

The Way I Are

I ain't got no money
I aint got no car to take you on a date
I can't even buy you flowers
But together we could be the perfect soulmates

Talk to me girl

(Oh) Baby, it's alright now, you ain't gotta flaunt for me
If we go and touch, you can still touch my love, it's free
We can work without the perks just you and me
Work it out 'til we get it right

[Chorus]
Baby if you strip, you can get a tip
'Cause I like you just the way you are
(I'm about to strip and I want it quick
Can you handle me the way I are?)
I don't need the G's or the car keys
Boy I like you just the way you are
Let me see ya strip, you can get a tip
'Cause I like, I like, I like...

SexyBack

I’m bringing sexyback
Them other boys don’t know how to act
I think you’re special what’s behind your back
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack

Take ‘em to the bridge

Dirty babe
You see the shackles baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me feel this way.

Take ‘em to the chorus

Come here girl (go ahead be gone with it)
Come to the back (go ahead be gone with it)
VIP (go ahead be gone with it)
Drinks on me (go ahead be gone with it)
Let me see what you’re working with (go ahead be gone with it)
Look at those hips (go ahead be gone with it)
You make me smile (go ahead be gone with it)
Go ahead child (go ahead be gone with it)
And get your sexy on!

Blind rage.

Well maybe blind rage is a bit much, but I wasn't feeling any warm fuzzies when I watched the first night of VH1's World Series of Pop Culture on Monday and saw a contestant cop out TWICE by saying something to the effect of, Oh heck, I'm just too young to know the lyric you are asking me to decipher in this here category called "1980s Pop Hits"!

She was born sometime in the early 1980s. The lyrics were, as follows:

Dream if you will a courtyard/
An ocean of violets in bloom/
Animals strike curious poses/
They feel the heat/
The heat between me and you

Just, please. If you don't know what this song is, you and I might not want to be friends anymore.

And if you are competing (IN MY PLACE) on The World Series of Pop Culture then you might want to brush up on your 1980's MEGAGINORMOUSLYHUGE SUPERSTARS and their SIGNATURE SONGS.

The next one she missed was admittedly slightly harder. SLIGHTLY:

The sheik he drove his cadillac/
He went a cruisin down the ville/
The muezzin was a standing/
On the radiator grille

But context clues alone should help you out with this one.

Not many 1980s pop hits feature SHEIKS!

I am happy to report that I smoked nearly all the categories on Monday and Tuesday, with the exception of Quentin Tarantino films. Movies are not my strongest suit. Safe to say music/lyrics and television trump films as far as my repetoire of useless knowledge is concerned, but I can certainly hold my own. When the category "Bueller, Bueller" came up last night, I about died. And of course answered all six questions correctly, because I have, no lie, seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off well over 30 times. Sadly neither of the folks competing in that round knew how many times Ferris had been absent.

Say it with me, friends. Nine times.

Nine times?

Nine. Times.

I should so be on this show.

Freddie.

Thought you all might like to see some pics of Freddie the Doo -- taken with my new camera, tra la la!

Cute puppy!


Smiling, kind of!

Here is his mad face. Oh Freddie! Don't be so mad!

MAD.

That's better.

D'oh!

In honor of Springfield, Massachusetts not being selected to host The Simpsons movie premiere (Congratulations, er, Springfield, Vermont!), here are my Top 7 favorite episodes of The Simpsons:

7) So It's Come to This: A Simpson's Clip Show. When Homer is sent to the hospital in critical condition after Bart pulls an April Fool's prank, the family spends the time reminiscing. Luckily Homer pulls through, and the final scene is as follows:

Homer: This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii! April Fool's!

Poor Homer, it's been seven weeks that he was in the hospital. After a pause, the whole family laughs and laughs. Marge says, "You lost five percent of your brain!''

Homer: Me lose brain? Uh-oh!

More laughter.

Homer: Why I laugh?

6) How I Spent My Strummer Vacation. The episode in which Homer goes to Rock and Roll Summer Camp with The Rolling Stones, Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Lenny Kravitz and Homer butchers "She's So Cold" by the Stones, singing, "I'm so hot for me! I'm so hot for me!"

5) Treehouse of Horrors V, featuring both The Shinning, and Time and Punishment, where Homer goes back in time and, after being admonished not to kill anything or else he will affect the future, he squashes a bug. In the new-future Homer and his family are rich, but there is no such things as donuts:

Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan…woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge: Donut? What's a donut?
Homer: AHH! AHH! (At which point Homer leaves, and activates his time machine again.)
Marge (looking out the window, seeing donuts falling from the sky): Oh, it's raining again.

4) Missionary: Impossible, in which Homer unwittingly becomes a missionary on a remote island and utters the now-overused but always funny (to me): "Save me, Jebus!"

3) Trilogy of Error. I love this episode, told from all the characters' points of view. This episode has many, many of my favorite lines including: "Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!" after Marge cuts Homer's thumb off and apologizes profusely, and the following exchange when Lisa brings her talking robot to the wrong school:

Lisa: Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class.
Teacher: (in a French accent) I do not know this mademoiselle OO-Vaire of which you speak.
Lisa: What's happening? Where am I?
Teacher: Sacre bleu! What a foolish question. You are at West Springfield Elementary School.
Lisa: West Springfield!? I'm at the wrong school! (The class laughs - "ha ha ha")
Teacher: En Francais. (The class laughs in French - "uhh uhh uhh").

2) Stark Raving Dad, in which Homer goes to the nuthouse and maybe meets Michael Jackson. Yeah, basically a big, fat white guy named "Michael Jackson" ends up working with Bart to give Lisa a very special birthday gift. It goes a little something like this:

Lisa, it's your birthday.
God bless you this day.
You gave me the gift of a little sister, and I'm proud of you today.
Lisa, it's your birthday. Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it's your birthday. Happy birthday, Lisa.
I wish you love and good will.
I wish you peace and joy.
I wish you better than your heart desires,
And your first kiss from a boy.

One of the more touching episodes of The Simpsons. And legend says that it really was Michael Jackson who provided the voice for, uh, Michael Jackson, though he was not credited.

1) Brother from the Same Planet. My absolute favorite episode, for years and years and years. Homer forgets to pick Bart up from soccer, so Bart gets himself a Big Brother, a handsome guy named Tom. Homer, to spite Bart, then gets himself a little brother, a big-eyed waif named Pepe.

This episode features so many of my favorite Simpsons moments, such as:

Person at Little Brother agency: And what are your reasons for wanting a Little Brother?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!
Homer: Revenge?
Homer's brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here. (door slams)

And my favorite Simpsons scene of all time, during a tender moment between Homer and his Little Brother:

Pepe: I love you, Papa Homer.
Homer: I love you, too, Pepsi.
Pepe: Pepe.
Homer: Pepe.

This episode also features the fight scene between Homer and Bart's Big Brother, Tom, at the aquarium, along with the hot dog stealing dolphin and starfish used as Chinese stars. This episode ALSO features Lisa becoming addicted to the Corey hotline:

Corey: Hi, you've reached the Corey hotline. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey - Gory. Story. Allegory. Montessori.

God, I love this episode.

Honorable mentions: Marge vs. The Monorail - just classic. What more can be said about MONORAIL!

And Lemon of Troy, in which the kids of Springfield do battle with the kids of Shelbyville over a lemon tree, and which included the following line:

Bart: OK, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Milhouse is my loyal sidekick, Nelson's the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy, and Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy. And now, the time has come to cross this line into mystery and danger -- to step out of childhood and become men.

That reference to Lord of the Flies is when I, personally, realized just how deep The Simpsons could go. It may be past its prime now but the show has brought me nearly fifteen years of laughs and I am looking forward to the movie, even if Massachusetts won't be hosting the premiere. Jebus bless the Simpsons!

maybe m*a*s*h is next

so we had neighbors who moved out in may. from the time we moved in to the time they moved out, every single time we pulled in our driveway, they were watching Scrubs. we could see right in their living room. there was zach braff, john mcginley, that chick from roseanne, all the time. they watched Scrubs like it was their job. maybe it was their job. we didn't know them very well.

so we have new neighbors now. i wish i was joking about this. but every time we pull in our driveway as of late, and really, it's been every time, they are watching grey's anatomy. at first we thought it was scrubs again, because, well, all we saw were characters wearing scrubs, but it's not. i can see meredith's face right now!

seriously!

Cheetara can suck it.*

So last summer I became mildly obsessed with The World Series of Pop Culture on Vh-1. By all accounts, this faux-serious weeklong trivia contest was clearly (CLEARLY) what I should be doing with my life. It was the culmination of all the years I've spent reading schlocky magazines, watching endless amounts of television, retaining useless song lyrics, memorizing dates, all rolled into one. I spent the week glued to my couch, texting my friend Lisa (also a pop culture maven, but with more of an 80s spin to her knowledge) everytime one of these so-called "teams" missed a ridiculously easy answer, like who sang the lyrics, "I dont know but today seems kinda odd/No barking from the dogs, no smog/And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog" -- I mean, cripes, if you don't know that those lyrics are from "It was a Good Day" by Ice Cube, then you probably also have no idea that Ice-T is kicking serious ass on Law and Order: SVU every Wednesday, and therefore you have no biznass partaking in a WORLD SERIES of POP CULTURE.

Anyhow, at the beginning of 2007, Lisa and I, along with our friend Hannah, decided that when the time came around again, we should try out. Or at the very least, enter our names for the ability to try out. Between the three of us, there would be no subject that we didn't know. Rap lyrics? Check. Seinfeld episodes? Check. Duran Duran and Adam Ant? Check. Sitcom families and/or the neighborhoods they live in? Check. Plus we were convinced we would not choke like last year's many contestants when asked, in sudden-death, to come up with answers to such difficult questions like, oh, hey, can you name a TIM BURTON MOVIE?

We came up with a few names for our team:

The Karma Chameleons
West End Girls
The Sloane Petersons (my personal favorite)
Lyrical Gangstas
Heroes on the Halfshell

and so on.

Well, as you must have figured out by now, I am not in this year's WSOPC. We didn't even get a callback or an email back or whatever. I took the online wild card test, and I know I smoked it, so I can only hope that this year's contestants are flippin' pop culture geniuses. If they are not, I may cry. It looks like in the ad some of their team names include Three Men and a Little Lady and Twisted Misters. Whatever. I will be watching from my couch, tallying my scores. The slogan for this year's show is THIS TIME, IT'S WAR. Funny, that's exactly how I feel.

* Yes, I know Cheetara did not win last year. El Chupacabra won, but I was watching reruns this week and Cheetara was on and I got so worked up listening to their screeching that even though I knew those harpies did not win, I had to change the channel.

I wish this was an unusual conversation.

Janice sends me an IM and a link. "Tell me your initial reaction to this picture," she says.

So I say, "Um, someone gave the cat a pooper. It didn't always have one, but someone thought it would be funny to give this cat a pooper. That is my first reaction."

She says, "Yeah, it's part of the sign. It is seriously the grossest thing i've ever seen in my whole life."

Me: "Are you SURE it's part of the sign? Like did you touch it???"

Janice: "It's like 15 feet off the ground. The store has been there for a long time, and i don't think i ever really paid attention to the sign, until a few months ago when i was up there and i pretty much started gagging on the street when i realized it's a CAT'S ASSHOLE."

Me: (thinking, "duh") "I think that's because the pooper is new."

This is where things get a bit heated.

Janice: "No the pooper isn't new. The pooper is part of the sign. It always has been. I just never gave it much thought until one day. And regardless if it's with or without pooper it's a CAT'S ASS."

Me: "We will have to agree to disagree on this one because that pooper looks beyond fake to me. It's all smudgy."

A few moments pass.

Me: "http://www.catwear.com/ -- There is no pooper here."

Janice: "Bahahah you are right! Bahhaahah. I still think the cat's ass is NASTY!!! They were asking for it!!"

Me: "I would have believed you if the pooper wasnt so smudgy."

Janice: "'We're right on Fore Street in Portland. Just look for the cat's asshole!'"

Mind reader.

So my bff Janice and I have this game we play with each other, where out of nowhere we will randomly text each other and ask, "Can you guess what my new favorite song is?" It usually means that our new "favorite" song is a) ridiculous and b) cheesy and c) has some kind of funny lyrics, but God knows that there are enough ridiculous and cheesy songs with bad lyrics out there, so we like to try to guess as best we can.

I am mad good at this.

The first time, I think it was pretty much a fluke. I had been spending more time than I care to admit listening to Jamn 94.5 last winter, and I found myself particularly taken by a song whose title I couldn't even spell. Janice caught me on IM one morning and said, "Hey, there's this song..." and before I could even let her continue to type, I messaged her back, "Is it called Fresh Asimizzz?" And shit, it was. She could hardly believe it! I said we had a Vulcan mind meld of some kind and left it at that.

But then! Then! I get a text message a few months ago from her, saying, "Hey guess what my new favorite song is!" and so, without even thinking, I texted back, "I'm hot cause I'm fly, you ain't cause you not." Janice texted back, "Yes on the 1st try!!" We decided we had to keep this streak alive.

We did okay on her next few favorites (including "Go Getta" by Young Jeezy and "Glamorous," because if Fergie isn't the queen of cheesy-lyric pop music, then who is?). Unfortunately for Janice, I've been listening to a lot of sports talk radio lately, and so I am grossly behind on what faux-rap Jamn 94.5 has in store for the summer, and I missed her latest favorite "Throw Some D's" which is, according to Janice, "about putting large rims on a Cadillac?" Yeah, not sure.

Anyhow, I'll see if I can guess your favorite song, kind of like Carnac the Magnificent from the Johnny Carson show, but now with songs about lip gloss that be poppin' and 30 inch rims on impalas.

Also,

where have I been for like 3 years, because I have totally missed So You Think You Can Dance.

I think I thought this was like a poor-man's American Idol, but after AI's completely lackluster 6th season (I mean, please, it just took me about 20 seconds to remember who the heck even won! Ugh, that phony Jordin!), I have become totally electrified by the dancing hotties on this summer reality show. I don't care if half the guys are gay or if the girls have to resort to strip-club kind of dances to stay on the show (although Jessie the panty-dancer did go home this week, despite Lauren dancing to, horror of horrors, POPOZAO, by the esteemed Kevin Federline. I kid you not, I just about fell off the couch that someone would actually SELECT a SONG by KEVIN FEDERLINE to DANCE FOR HER LIFE, and then, NOT GET BOOTED OFF! Sorry, I digress.), or if the judges talk out of both sides of their mouths, keeping "creative" over "talented," or if Mary Murphy screams incoherently about hot tamales every 13 minutes. I am smitten!!!

Here is who I like, "I" being someone who has zero dance skills whatsoever short of pumping my arms wildly and singing along to the song that I am dancing to:

Sara. Maybe I just think white girls who dance hip-hop have, like, my secret dream job. Or maybe I think she is genuine. I am sad that her partner Jesus went home last week, but I am glad because she gets to dance with ....

Pasha. Oh dear Lord. I have a grown-up crush. I like when he wears those black dance pants. And dances in them.

That leaves Dom and Sabra! I love them! Go Dom and Sabra! Oh Dom, you look so tough and mean and hardcore, when in fact, you are willing to shave your toes for the good of the dance. And Sabra, if only I could have taken up dance at 17 and become wildly good at it! You are my hero!

Heck, let's throw a picture of Kameron-with-a-K up here for good measure:

Does he kind of look like Johnny Knoxville, or Josh Duhamel, or like a combo of both? Or is it someone else completely? Either way, mmmmm.

Next I'll discuss Wade Robeson. Is it true that Britney cheated on JT with WADE? If so, despite my love for JT, I can understand why she would do that!